Dark Connections Featured Member

Name: Marti

Age: 62 & proud of it!

Orientation: Submissive

Marital status: Single

Do you currently have a sub or play partner: No, but I am looking.

Occupation: Computer tech and retired cataloger for the library.

There's an interesting story behind your name Marti, please share it with us.
I had a friend and we'd been lovers on and off for over 30 years, since we were both 17, in fact, and with him I explored a lot of my sexuality. We called each other partners in crime. He bought me my first toys and I had my first 3some with him to name a couple of the things we did together. He had a fatal heart attack at 52 and I missed him terribly. So when I first discovered BDSM after going online I took his name as my screen and scene name and I always think as I'm discovering new things "Martin, baby, this one's for you"

Although you are a submissive, you recently tried your hand at at Master/slave relationship? Why didn't the relationship work?
First, I had no idea what I was getting into, I let physical attraction do my thinking, LOL. And second we had very different ideas about how a Master/slave relationship worked. In retrospect I should have spent more time talking before getting into it but hindsight is always 20/20. Our expectations of just what a Master/slave relationship consisted of turned out to be very different and we were constantly bumping heads. We both tried to make it work several times because we truly cared for each other but there were some issues we were never able to resolve so we've both moved on. Still I have no regrets and I am grateful for the experience I gained. We parted friends and he will always have a piece of my heart and as he has assured me, I carry away a piece of his.

Do you believe it's possible for most submissives to successfully make the transition to a slave? What type of emotional adjustments will need to be made?
I have no idea really. I've been told by more than one Dom that I will do anything for the right man and that is true, with the emphasis on 'the right man'. And throughout my life I have "served" be it family of which I am the oldest of four, friends, and some of the men in my life. I just enjoy taking care of people for it's own sake. So I've come to the conclusion that I possess a slave's heart and reading Vi Johnson's definition of the difference between a slave and a submissive confirmed it. If I may paraphrase her: A slave looks ahead to the comfort and pleasure of her Master, a submissive awaits orders. I know that some think of a slave as being some sort of brainless automaton who must be constantly monitored and told what to do in every instance but this is not necessary true. I've also realized I'm more of slave than a submissive although I also have a lot of submissive tendencies. It isn't a matter of making an emotional adjustment for me as it finding The One I may serve in peace and harmony.

What was it like growing up in Philly in the 50's? Did you have any clue about bdsm back then?
I didn't really have a clue such a thing as BDSM existed back then. The world was divided into "good girls" and "bad girls" with the bad girls being the ones who had sex! And oral sex? No one did that who would admit to it. It was nastee! My friend Martin introduced me to oral sex at 17 and I never had the least bit of guilt or shame about it but I had enough sense to keep my mouth shut. There was a saying back then: "No one knows where the nose goes when the doors close". There were a lot of professional virgins around during those days also and I was one of them. The closest I got to the lifestyle back in those days were the dirty magazines my father used to hide under the bathtub. Probably where I got my love of corsets, garterbelts and pretty lingerie.

How old were you when you discovered the bdsm lifestyle, and what was going through your mind when you realized there were other kinky folks just like you?
I didn't discover the lifestyle until I was 56. I'd always had an interest in bondage and other kinky things so when I got a PC in '98 it was like "free at last"! The first man I met through a personal ad online introduced me to clothespins <VEG> and I never looked back. We are still very close friends to this day so I'd like to say: Thank you Spanker Sam! I'd been a closet freak up until then, still caught up in projecting the good girl image. I'd kept a lot of my interests underwraps after being rejected by a couple of men for being a "freak". I was just happy to find a place where being a slut was considered a good thing. The first time I went to a dungeon I was like Alice in Wonderland. All the possibilities, all the freedom to be who I really and truly was inside and be valued for it. I found out I wasn't too old and unattractive to be thought desirable. Finding the lifestyle has been a blessing for me in a number of ways.

Is it difficult for a woman of your age and maturity level to find suitable partners in the bdsm lifestyle? Would you consider subbing to a Dominant much younger than yourself?
It is difficult because most of the men who contact me are very much younger. The funny thing is that the most compatible Dom I've met so far was 25 years younger but I just couldn't get comfortable with the age difference. Another Dom I was seeing who was 15 years younger was mistaken for my son, LOL. After that experience I decided to limit myself to men over 50 with at least some grey hair.

You are one of those submissives who always gets accused of not being submissive enough. Why do people say that, and how does it make you feel when you hear it over and over again? What advice can you give to other subs who are told this?
Being called a dominant or a switch seems to be a pretty common phenomenon for submissives who aren't stereotypically submissive. I used to get very upset if a Dom said it but now, it just rolls off my back and I look at it as a red flag indicating we are just not suited to each other. I get teased by my sister/friend Lady Z about what she calls my dominant ass but she knows my heart. If you are assertive, if you value yourself and have a sense of self-esteem and self respect, if you think you have rights, God forbid, then you MUST be a Domme, lol. I just happen to think like a Domme and if that means being assertive and having high self esteem then so be it. In other words, I don't take any crap from anyone. I'd give the same advice to other subs who are being told they are not submissive enough as was given to me by Nomdenuit. He told me that I am one man's sub, not the world's sub. And that he'd rather have a strong woman at his side than a doormat at his feet. I took his words to heart and have held my head high ever since. I submit to One and if you are not Him, don't even try it.

Your favorite saying is: "This above all, to thine own self be true and it must follow as the night follows the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." Why do you identify so much with this motto? Should a Dominant ever try to change, or mold, a submissive into their version of the ideal sub?When I was trying to act like people were telling me a sub should act, I was miserable. I was projecting something which was false, something which wasn't me. I decided to just be myself and one could accept me or reject me but it would be on the basis of who I really am not the image I was hiding behind. So that is why it became my motto as far as the lifestyle is concerned.

Again, I have to equivocate about a Dominant trying to mold a sub into his version of the ideal sub. There is no answer which fits every situation. Most of the reputable Dom/mes I know will encourage/push a sub to be the best that she can be but you can't make someone into something they are not unless the raw material is there. For example: If a submissive isn't a masochist, you are never going to make them enjoy pain. They may submit to a whipping but will never find the same transference from pain to pleasure that a true masochist feels. The pleasure they derive from it may be that of pleasing a Master or a Mistress but you won't be able to mold them into a pain slut.

You've been a moderator of BlackPhillySubsNDoms for quite a while. What's the most challenging aspect of trying to organize a munch group of this size?
I haven't been as active with my group lately, but I'd say finding a a place to hold the munches. A lot of restaurants want a definite number of people when you are making reservations and with my group, you never know who might show up, lol. Layde Victoria has taken over booking the munches and she has been doing a great job both in booking the restaurants and finding people who will give demos or talks. I've found that the friends I've made have been the most rewarding aspect of moderating a group. We are truly family. I also get a great deal pleasure from educating newbies or starting a good discussion.

What is the most beautiful thing a Dominant could ever do for you?
Wow, I really had to think about that one. Up until now the most beautiful thing a Dom had ever done for me was my former Master giving me a 62nd birthday party. At this point in time I think the most beautiful thing a Dom could do for me is have a formal collaring ceremony with all my lifestyle friends in attendence. That would really be awesome!